Before I knew my home's address, I was molested in my own bedroom. I'll not reveal names in this journal entry because it is strictly for my healing and not the degradation of another traumatized soul. However, in this blog entry I will write and breathe through my most traumatizing sexual experiences. This is what I call healing.
I find it ironic that I can recall not knowing my own street address. Perhaps I remembered just enough to know how young I was at the time. I remember jumping on the trampoline and conversing over our postal identities while it was still daylight. It was an overcast that day. As I relive the memories, I call to mind any details that I am able to, and I can clearly recall the sun didn't shine that day. My cousin, who was five years older than me, shared his address and boasted about it with glee. Details like this are important because they later grow to become, or influence our triggers.
The sun went down and his inhibitions with it. Then the children went off to play and the adults enjoyed each other's company downstairs. He touched me. Then my five year old self became aroused. Here and then, the seed of guilt by sexual pleasure was planted. I touched him back, following these carnal desires that were unfamiliar to me. We kissed. We rubbed. We exchanged falacio. As I write these words I can feel guilt in my sacral chakra churning inside me. It evokes a fear that I had no idea existed. I fear sharing these words, but I will overcome.
He returned a couple years later. This time I remember my bed wasn't made. I feel guilty for looking forward to his arrival. I want to think that my parents did not make my bed on purpose, perhaps to save me from the premature activation of my sacral chakra. I don't know, but we did those same things.
When I was about 9 years old, he returned again. He was well into puberty by then. I remember wanting to sexually explore once more, for there were things we did that did not happen with anyone else. This time he said no. He asked “If I got my nut yet”( if I could ejaculate). I didn't know what he meant, so we simply played innocently, like children and adolescents were supposed to.
Reflecting on my experiences with him, I become aware of a vicious cycle: being placed in the hands of a boastful authoritative figure and then enjoying being taken advantage of. Only when I got to college did I realize I was molested. Even then, I brushed it off like I was able to weather it because I remember enjoying it. What if I never had that first experience? Who's to say I would have wanted it? I'm well beyond the victim mentally after three years of healing this same wound. At this time, I no longer refer to myself as a victim of sexual trauma, but instead a survivor of sexual trauma. Not all of us survive. Let us share a brief moment of stillness for those that have died at hands of sexual predators. May our tortured ancestors heal in peace.
Take a deep slow breath.
Inhale LOVE, exhale trauma.
My second, experience happened again in my own home. As I look back, I find it to be such a tender place to be traumatized. I was in my final year of high school. I really felt great with everything occurring outside my home. At the time I was living with my strict father. Although I enjoyed the living arrangements, at times it felt like he was a dictator on the prowl-- waiting and searching for an opportunity to interject his authoritative views. So I spent most of my time away from home. I joined almost every club I could. I was Editor-in-Chief of the Yearbook staff, President of Student Council, Manager of the Cheerleading Squad and a member of Future Business Leaders of America. Earlier that year, he had invited his girlfriend to come and live with us with her 5 year old son. Along with that invitation came an inquiry from our deployed cousin to watch her two boys, ages 7 and 9.
I had never been an older brother before so it was different. I always grew up with a great deal of solitude. Experiencing that year really made me covet all those years by myself. Before they came to live with us my father had a running joke that he wouldn’t be watching the kids, but instead his girlfriend and I would. Neither of us consented to this nor were we asked so it felt very compromising. Since I knew my father, I was used to it. The man has a big heart that is usually taken advantage of by family members-- even me in my youth.
By Christmas, his girlfriend’s adult son had gotten out of jail and asked to come live with us. My father said yes. I was not sexually active at the time, December 2007, since I had broken up with my first LOVE in May of the previous year. At seventeen I was well aware of what went on in jails between men and I didn’t have to watch Oz to find out. He arrived with a facade of masculinity like most of them do, but I could see through his broken shell. He was well into his twenties and much larger than me.
As the days passed, we began flirting in the living room, when everyone else had gone to sleep. The lights were off and only the light of the christmas tree illuminated what was happening. Flirting moved to play fighting and wrestling. Then we moved onto falacio in the openness of my home’s dwelling space. There was a conflicting relationship we had, because he would bully me in front of the youth in the house and sexualize me at night. It seemed as if no one could see the sexual tension. My insides were screaming, but my mouth was shut.
Shortly after Christmas of that year, we had intercourse. I hadn’t had any sexual experiences since the year before and I felt like I had wasted the purity I had cultivated on such a sultry experience. On a subconscious level I felt trapped because we lived in the same home. I felt afraid of how my father would react if he knew. After that I decided to stop. I didn’t want to have sex with him at all. So I ignored him at all costs. Sadly it made him want me more. Since I was not allowed to close my door, he walked into my room on one auspicious night. He entered with forceful intentions masked as play. I told him no many times, but he enjoyed overpowering me. Then I allowed him to enter me and release without remorse.
I remember in high school a councilor of mine would tell her story of how she was raped and she let it happen. “I had to give up a little booty to keep my life,” she would say. At this time I completely contradict her statement. You should fight tooth and nail not to let this happen. I would die before submitting to the sexual intentions of others. This take years and sometime lifetimes to heal.
Take a deep slow breath.
Inhale LOVE, exhale trauma.
I began healing my sexual trauma in 2014. I started with forgiveness and will continue with it as well. What came up for me in a meditation around February was that my first encounter hurt me more than I was willing to admit. Thereafter, I was given the prayer of forgiveness below.
I accept the situation as it is.
GOD I ask for forgiveness
I forgive myself
I forgive everyone else involved
I surrender this situation over to the you GOD
I release it
Thank you GOD.
I will break down each part for those who would like a deeper understanding. Jupiter is in Scorpio lol so its the season to go deeper.
- Accepting the situation as it is allows us to fully come to terms with what happened. As well as accept that there is no changing it. It is in the past and it's behind us.
- Asking GOD for forgiveness is an act of humility, for it puts GOD first by acknowledging what we contributed. In any given situation we are always playing a role.
- Forgiving yourself is a part that I’ve observed many people skip. Yet, it is the most crucial component that will allow us to move forward with our own lives. It releases the guilt that we harbor toward our contribution made.
- Forgiving everyone else involved starts with the party in mind and continues with those that have influenced them, as well as their ancestors.
- For the surrender exercise, I place my hands in the form of a cup and pour out all the emotions, memories, thoughts and even physical ailments into the cup. I release the spoken or unspoken words along with everything about the entire situation. Then I raise my hands above my head and say “I surrender this situation over to you GOD,” then release it once and for all.
- Then I affirm that I have release it.
- As always I thank GOD.
Using this prayer along with meditation, energetic healing and ritual I heal my sexual trauma. I have come to observe through my experience that it happens in layers: spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. The universe peels back the layers and it is our job to allow the healing.
A crucial part that surprised me was how these traumas affected my relationships with my parents. I never blamed them for it but instead took the brunt of it full on. I never felt the need to tell them because I felt like it was my fault and didn’t want them to feel guilty. I didn’t want them to feel like they failed as a parent to protect me. I had to forgive them for not being there, but also I pray that they forgive themselves. I harbor absolutely no ill feelings towards them. I have accepted that GOD allowed this detriment to occur in my life, because there were many more things that GOD has not allowed. Through this knowing, I take action to overcome what’s been placed on my plate. I am not a victim. I have overcome this to heal myself and in so doing, to break the cycle. It ends with me, here and now.
Last year, I healed another layer of sexual trauma and my first abuser saw fit to add me on Facebook a few weeks later. When I saw his face, I saw guilt. I saw the weight of every victim he ever traumatized in his eyes and had compassion for his suffering. I could only pray that he forgave himself, because I could not do it for him. I still have some anger in my heart towards him, which shows me that there are more layers for me to heal when it is time. Parts of me want him to try me so I can expose him, cause I couldn’t bring myself to attack him. The righteousness in me wants to be free from this suffering completely-- which keeps me from making any irrational decisions.
Beloveds, we must forgive for us, them, and the entire world. Choosing not to is a disservice to ourselves and humanity as a whole. For when we do, a ripple of healing is created in the cosmos and more LOVE is able to spread, lifting human consciousness out of the darkness. There is no amount of aggression you can expend to make you whole again. The holes in your porous aura will make sure the universe continues to send you this lesson until you learn. You will encounter person after person with qualities of your abuser until you heal yourself. Then and only then will self defense be honorable because it will not be laid on a foundation of vengeance. Break the cycle. You are an unlimited being.