This venus retrograde has brought up a lot of things for me with both parents. Since venus rules over beauty and luxury, my relationship with my mom has been striking a chord. It also governs money, so my relationship with my father has circled back around for another dose of healing.

I wrote letters to them in my journal that brought me to tears, healing years. Then I meditated and asked the creator for healing. What came up for me was that I need to forgive them for not being GOD. As we are all reflections of the creator, I realized I needed to forgive them for not meeting the expectations I had for them. In my meditations, Yemaya and Obatala(mother Mary and Jesus) have been filling me with divine LOVE for both aspects of duality. I call them in and they stand above me, then pour divine feminine and masculine LOVE into my heart.

I'm grateful that my parents did the best they could with what they had and still continue to LOVE and support me in the ways that they know best. I LOVE my parents for everything they are, were and ever will be. I know at any given time I can call them and they will give me the absolute truth I need to hear. I LOVE and thank them for that. I know I can call them at any given moment and they would give me the world if they had it, just because I asked. I LOVE and thank them for that.

I've been going through a lot in the past 5 years and I would only ask for help when I absolutely needed it. There were times when I didn't know where or when my next meal was coming and I still neglected to call them. I can be really hard on myself, subconsciously feeling as if I must meet my own standards. Looking back I can see how it hurts them to see me hurt myself. Having finally maneuvered my way into self sufficiency, I wonder if as much pain that I've endured was worth it. Learning to ask for help from the the most high is the greatest gift I could have never asked for. Though I wonder if distancing myself was a worthy cost to achieve success, if it meant sacrificing the integrity of our relationships. I also wonder if I'm just growing up because our connections have certainly strengthened and transformed. Its as if more of the parent/child dichotomy has shed to give birth to the adult form of its likeness. I'm grateful for growth.

I wrote these letters when I was in my feels earlier this month. I didn't have enough courage to send them for whatever reason that seems erroneous at this time. Now I share them with the world because my heart is open and my LOVE is bare.

Dear Mom, 

It would seem that we've had somewhat of a perfect relationship since I can remember. The interesting thing about our dynamic is that it presents me as the classic gay man who caters more to his mother. In spite of what it looks like we've always bonded. I learned to speak my heart and stand up for myself in a fair way from you. When you taught me to sew at 11, I made my first pillow and gave it to you. It warms my heart that you still have it. I watched you create beyond what's humanly possible and perhaps this was an example I needed to be the hard worker I am today. If anyone knows me they wonder how I do it all---the same thing I wondered every morning I woke up under your roof. I used to pray that you would get home safe from work because I knew you were always tired. I was always grateful when I heard you walk in at 3 am. There were times when I could have done drugs, gotten in with the wrong crowd or who knows what. By some miracle you, another family member or neighbor would randomly call to check on me.

When I reached adulthood I realized this was you praying for me. Thank you for that. Growing up as a conscious being, I've never needed much parenting, but more guidance instead--allowing me to make my own decisions and learn in a healthy way from experience. I learned to look through people with discernment from you. I learned not to brag about what I've done for people from you, but to just do it and let that be the blessing for both of us. When it was time for me to leave south jersey and come to NY I knew you felt helpless as a parent. I could see it in your eyes and feel it in your heart. I'm grateful you trusted GOD's plan and kept me in your prayers.  I'm grateful you understood, out of every one, like always. Thank you for being my mom and a mother; my best friend and confidant. I LOVE you momma.

I forgive you for not being GOD and thank you for doing the best you could with what you had. Thank you for being you.


Dear Dad,

It took me 25 years to honor you, and when I did my life began to improve. I was finally able to feel confident and uninhibited in what I provide in this world. For the ups and downs of our relationship I have asked GOD for forgiveness, forgiven myself and forgiven everyone else involved. I know that GOD paired us together to learn and teach each other. I know that no matter what I learn, that I should still honor you as my father and relinquish any desires I have to parent you. For that I'm grateful. I'll not name the things we've done to each other for whatever reason we deemed necessary at the time, but I will exclaim that the future grants us the opportunity to overcome anything with LOVE.

When you and mom split, when I was 11, I felt disappointed that you gave up and didn't let GOD fix it. What I didn't realize is that GOD did. You two were happier apart. I'm grateful I was born during the duration of the relationship and that I was such a priority. There were things that you've said to me that hurt as your child. In my adulthood I realize you were just being honest and that was your way of expressing LOVE; your way of preparing me for the harsh realities that lay outside the doors you worked hard to secure. I thank you for teaching me about honor. Thank you for teaching me to be patient. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being an amazing example of stability and discipline. Thank you for consistently being dependable my entire life. Thank you for being my dad and a father. I LOVE you pops.

I forgive you for not being GOD and thank you for doing the best you could with what you had. Thank you for being you.