I had my first anxiety attack in January of 2012. At that time I didn’t have words to fully describe what had just transpired. I could only account for the church hymnal I sang that brought me back to peace. “Welcome into this place, welcome into this holy vessel,” I sang, as tears of relief flowed down my cheeks and my breath regulated. I am not a psychologist, nor do I have a degree yet. Therefore I am legally obligated to provide a disclaimer stating that I am unqualified to give medical advice by american standards. Consider yourself disclaimed. Henceforth, I shall detail my experiences coping with generalized anxiety disorder, as a person with generalized anxiety disorder. I will further explain where anxiety fits in other dimensions, and how/why it has manifested in this one-- subject matter of which I am more than qualified to provide.
First Anxiety Attack
Its January 2012 and I am on the fence about leaving the ballroom scene. I feel in my heart that I should, but I’m conflicted because I don’t want to disappoint others...story of my life, eh? I’ve been selling weed since August and it's no coincidence the cops have been staking out across the street for a month now. To be honest, the entire campus comes to me for reggie (Standard quality Cannabis). Some would even say “I got the block on lock.” I personally would say I want change and I believe the universe would agree, even though I'm atheist. I feel in my heart that something huge is coming, but I can’t quite articulate what it is. On the other side of this ambiguity I know there is liberation. Yet, I have not found a solution by simply putting two and two together: living with or without the ballroom scene. I need to make a decision.
My social standing in the scene is somewhat of a public enemy. I tend to let anyone that tries me have it on Twitter. I am seen as a premiere vogue femme (cis-gendered men who vogue) in a “Fab” house with a lot of promise, so naturally I receive a lot of attention. Earlier this year I dropped out of school and now I struggle to find motivation. At the very core of my being is usually a purpose that drives me to do all the things people deem so worthy of accolade. Without this, I feel like a lost cause, ill prepared to show up in the world as my true self.
Today as I scroll through my timeline on Twitter, it feels like nearly every tweet is about me. A couple friends call me back to back, like I didn't know I was on three-way. This was a systematized attack, yet I feel guilt instead of victimization. As I read all the sub-tweets, I become aware of the bottled up hatred that so many people have towards me. It hurts on a cellular level to witness such a reflection. One or two celebrities also follow me, which explains the commentary from people I once admired. I wish no longer to be here, as my fight or flight response has triggered the most fleeting reaction. But still….What is my why? What could have inspired such intensity? Self hatred that goes unattended will inevitably manifest in the physical world. Living on the vibration of hate makes us susceptible to harm from others on the same vibration…. Basically, karma's only a bitch if you are too. So here I am witnessing my own demise, as the world I once wished away is taken from me because I couldn't let it go.
I’m crying and hyperventilating. My lost thoughts keep repeating. I feel flustered and frustrated. I just want to be free from this feeling. I glance over at my sharpest pair of sewing scissors and clasp them firmly in my right hand. As soon as the blade touches my wrist, all fear subsides. It feels as if every ounce of anxiety is being pulled down into the earth. I drop the scissors. I feel nothingness and somethingness. My desire for freedom was granted, but not at all how I perceived it would come to fruition. I thought I needed freedom from this life, but I simply needed freedom from the sensation. In the wake of my new found peace, my heart opens, relaxing my jaw muscles enough for me to rejoice. I welcome GOD into this place. I am no longer atheist.
The next day, I leave the ballroom scene with an open ended response. I throw away the quarter ounce of marijuana I had planned to sell. I don't know how I will survive but somehow it will work itself out. I've cut everyone off and I optimistically feel like I'm starting from scratch. I feel free to explore life and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
A month later I began meditating and researching, I discovered natural cures to cancer, HIV and other chronic illnesses. I found the types of remedies that can not be patented, thus they serve no purpose in the pharmaceutical industry. I also discovered that the word cure, in fact, can not be used unless said person is no longer susceptible to the ailment in question. A part of me feels like it's a vaccination scam, so I challenge the definition of this word by giving it new context. When your immune system cures you of the common cold, then you're still susceptible…. But what about HIV? According to modern medicine, we can't find it to cure or detoxify it. Yet, in other conversations of the same subject matter, not one person will take responsibility for isolating the virus. Here I am wondering why you would ever trust a person who is trying to kill you or how a disease can differentiate between demographics by only targeting people of color and men who have sex with men. Lets be clear.
Second Anxiety Attack
It's February 22nd 2015, and I'm preparing for my first photo shoot in New York. In November, during my first two homeless weeks of living here, I would tuck myself away in a comfy corner underground, when I didn't feel like sleeping on the A train. The Wells Fargo ATM in Herald square became my pillow. Today I'm lost because the directions didn't specify Brooklyn or New York. I actually haven't been back to this area since I left the shelter on the 30th. I subconsciously avoided it, I'm sure, for what will happen next. I walk down the stairs and my heart drops, I feel alone. I feel all the feelings I had not felt when I was once here homeless. For if I would have felt them then, they would have crushed me. Tears flow and I don't care if the passersby see. See me for my tears, even in my years. I see the spot where I used to lay and I begin hyperventilating. It feels like I'm inhaling oxygen and exhaling tears. I hear the voice of GOD ring loudly inside me: “Breathe”, GOD says…. In this moment it feels as if GOD literally inhaled for me. I continue to breathe slowly and deeply until I find myself once more. The years of meditation paid off and I fared much better this round. Fuck you anxiety, bitch.
The breath work allows me to walk out of the subway with composure, but I'm still crying. I make no eye contact, so no one stops to ask if I'm ok. I live in New York, so no one stops to ask if I'm ok. I don't want help, so no one stops to ask if I'm ok. And that's ok. My head is held high as my tears drop low. I wish they would stop though. So I turn around and walk back to Herald square. My breath feels different as I walk through the large halls. This time it feels like I'm inhaling competence and exhaling disempowerment. I'm consciously aware that I'm desynthesizing myself. It seems I retained something from my 11th grade psychology class. Thanks Mrs. Carriker.
In this instance, I feel Post Traumatic Stress Disorder played a large roll. However, I'm not qualified to make such a deduction nor do I require the validation of someone else's perception. It actually reminded me of Iron man when he coped with his anxiety after the avengers took on New York. This attack was much easier to rectify because I could wholeheartedly account for every variable contributing to the incident. I can not express the same feelings for the former. However, I’m still working on it. And that’s ok.
Within a month, I submitted my first short film to Tribeca film festival. I shot most of the footage in January but I admit the project was stuck in the mud. In retrospect, it appears the anxiety had some type of cleansing effect on me. Afterwards, I felt more clear and open to move forward. Perhaps the tears needed to be released to make room for the joy I was about to experience. In April of that same year, almost two months since the attack, I landed an internship at Hood by Air. The very next day, my film debuted at Tribeca Film Festival. I’m grateful. Thank you anxiety, I LOVE you, but I hope this is the end.
Third Anxiety Attack
It’s July 3rd, 2017 and I’ve been depressed since April. I think no one knows but I would be living in denial if I accepted that as truth. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I honor that. Earlier this year, I started writing my second book and holding full moon circles. March and April were amazing months filled with growth, prosperity and LOVE. I intended to cultivate more of these vibes well into the rest of the year, but sadly I could not. And that’s ok. I’ve been able to pinpoint this depressive episode to the start of Saturn’s retrograde, April 6th. This transit is characterized by some as a karmic roller-coaster that firmly makes you address anything we try to avoid.
So here I am depressed about old shit and addicted to cannabis again. Marijuana is an enabler for escapism because THC continuously shuts down and restarts our frontal lobe, the area of the brain that governs our short term memory. Therefore when I feel bad, I smoke a blunt and forget what I was thinking about. Should a blunt be in my hand when the thoughts return, then I pull until it's gone. I’m smoking my life away. I’m spiraling down. I feel myself flushing away all the plans that once fulfilled my purpose. I’ve stopped communicating with much of the outside world and only take on clients who seek me out. What’s most important is the fact that I’ve stopped communicating. And that’s NOT okay.
Fortunately I don’t get paid until tomorrow so I won’t be smoking weed today, nor did I smoke any last night. It's the first full day of my sobriety since April and I credit this to a cleansing spiritual bath I took yesterday. I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I feel no hunger. My body is detoxifying from the cannabis. Yes, it is a divine plant from the earth, but anything done with the wrong intentions will be a detriment-- same thing with food. People die every day from a lifetime of comfort eating. And that’s not ok. These results we can see clearly, but how many people die a spiritual, emotional, or mental death because they’ve given up on their dreams? Beloveds our dreams are what bring us fulfillment-- no one else's. Yet, it's a beautiful thing when dreams intertwine.
Thoughts of my recent shortcomings begin to flood my mind. As I attune to the vibration of failure, I’m overcome with all the perceived failures of my past. I’m shaken to my core once more. This time I’m fully aware and I don’t care. I see the thoughts and feel the tears burst from my eyes as I uncomfortably sit in my own shit. Whatever comes to pass shall come to pass, I accept. Because I’m hyperventilating, I can’t focus on speaking. So, I mentally pray. I ask all the ancestors who serve the highest good to be with me and help me. I call on every Angel, Orisha and Neteru to ask for the utmost help. “GOD please help,” my heart cries. Instantly, beings of light form a circle around me and project a warm ray of LOVE into my entire being. I inhale divinity and exhale grace. I find solace in GOD’s praise. We truly find healing when our faith in GOD outweighs our fear for anything else.
The following Saturday, I decided I should blog about the experience. This meant I would have to revisit the memory and relive what I felt. The wound was too fresh and ultimately this lead to another anxiety attack. And that’s ok. This time I called my mom and her calm voice soothed me. She told me it's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to know everything. It's ok. I admit I have an obsession with truth, that at times is fueled by the blatant distrust I have for people. In retrospect, this has pushed me to modestly become one of the most powerful psychics this world has ever seen. By searching deep within myself for my own truth, I’ve learned to explore my internal universe and how it’s manifested in the physical plane. I offer this gift in service to others, while I only trust people as far as I can see them in this dimension and the next. By remaining skeptical it motivates me to check in with spirit when people offer information. Through my exploration of the universe, I found security in the fact that truth itself is forever in motion and the only constant worthy of our security is change. Ironically, I’ve obtained the means to access any information I truly need to know, but I still need to trust somebody besides my momma.
The day is July 27th. After extensive healing and self care, I am able to comfortably reflect on what’s transpired. The greatest thing I learned was that it is what it is. I have anxiety attacks from time to time. I accept that. After peeling back a huge layer during introspection, I discovered that not asserting myself causes more problems than avoiding conflict. In fact, a healthy root chakra permits a robust affirmation of the self. It does not permit people to walk all over you, so my clap back has been real lately-- and still is. I’ve been healing my root a lot, since we hold many of our traumatic experiences from this lifetime there. I overcame a large hump in my book and now look at life with the optimism of a fool. My optimism is coupled with protection on every level of my existence that allows me to express my full vulnerability. I'm grounded and grateful for growth.
That was a recollection of my experiences with anxiety in this dimension. Below you will find remedies that I have personally used to help me cope in the past.
Meditation and breath work are a GODsend, literally. If you are new to meditation here is a guided one that helps worrying to subside.
Spiritual Songs, Prayer and Dance
If there are any musical renditions that bring you peace when they come to mind, then flow with it. Perhaps its come up to shift your thinking. GOD communicates to us in so many different ways. As I mentioned earlier, I sang a hymnal from my childhood. While I'm well aware of the dualities of the christian church, I still found GOD there. For that I'm grateful, because GOD isn't in every church.
Prayer is infinite. It does not in any way have to be structured. It can honestly look like a regular conversation or simply saying thank you. However, personal favorites are listed below:
"GOD, I put this situation in your hands."
"GOD, what am I contributing in this situation and how am I wrong?"
"GOD please reveal everything I need to know."
Beyond these, you can always talk to GOD to express yourself beloved.
I've placed self care practices before reaching out for support because in those moments of disparity we must remember that we are capable. Don't feel so hopeless that you don't even try to help yourself. We commit a subconscious lie when we believe we can not overcome what GOD gave us. Honestly, through meditation and prayer you may even be guided to reach out to the perfect person that can help you. Its just my motif to ground and center before making any decisions.
I used to go to therapy when I was transitioning out of homelessness. I admit I went into it with prejudice. I assumed my therapist wouldn't understand my spiritual journey and how that intersects with who and where I am today. I also wondered why GOD even told me I should go to therapy but I went anyway.
In my therapist I saw the heart of a healer. He was born to care for others, but this was just his way of manifesting it. I saw in him things that could not be taught in any degree program but only experienced through genuine compassion and empathy. Get you a therapist that you can build a bond with. Get you a therapist that you can trust with your vulnerability. Get you a therapist that you feel comfortable with, because the right one will guide you to a breakthrough. One thing I'll also add is every time I went to therapy, I went with intention. I intended to better myself by getting things off my chest and I feel like that helped. Now, I still check in from time to time as my spirit guides me.
I channeled the following bath after my most recent anxiety attack. After soaking, I felt so calm. I could feel how grounded I was in my feet. They were very flat and connected to mother earth, even through my shoes. There was a chill I felt, only comparative to the come down after a high. I read that last sentence and laughed. Its like I'm somewhere between hood and sophisticated. Nah, but here's the bath. Be sure to fully submerge!
Anxiety in the 4th dimension
The writing hereafter may be cryptic or even irrational to those who are not familiar with the 4th dimension. I'll also be providing less context to what a 4th dimensional experience feels like in this post because I could go on for days. Consider yourself disclaimed.
Our bodies and spirits are here in the 3rd dimension and our ancestors are in the 4th. This is a transitional plane that we visit before returning here for reincarnation. However, the veil is thinning and many people are becoming more aware of 4D activity. Mediums are the ideal example of a person who lives between dimensions. They perceive reality in this dimension with the five senses but in 4D or 5D they use a different set. I call this different set of senses the claires, I'm sure you've heard of them before:
Claircognizant - Knowing
Clairvoyant - Vision
Clairaudience - Hearing
Clairalience - Smelling
Clairsentience - Touch
Clairgustance - Tasting
After providing context, I've arrived at this point of the entry only to realize that my 3rd dimensional self does not have the answer. Therefore I will channel it from my higherself:
As with all ailments there are many reasons that cause anxiety. Your specific reason is because you are neglecting change. You know you should be eating better. You know you should be surrendering to LOVE. You know you should not be giving your energy to those who wish you harm. These are the roots of your personal anxiety. I will say no more.
As with all communication with beings in the 4th or 5th dimension, they never tell us what we want to hear but always what we need. I honestly was hoping to channel a message that applied to everyone, but perhaps that's what we can learn from this. We each need to make a connection to our higherselves for ourselves.
Anxiety in the 5th dimension
Bih, the 5th dimension is lit. Imagine everything being perfect all the time. Imagine always feeling butterflies. Imagine hanging out with the angels, saints, orishas, neteru and so forth. Imagine the unfathomable if you can. There is no suffering, only understanding. Exploring the 5th dimension can help us make peace with duality in the 3rd dimension. Good and bad, as we perceive it here will still exist, but there's a knowing and acceptance of all that is. Its perfect harmony. Its complete and instant acceptance that rainy days make the flowers grow. Its complete and instant acceptance that adversity is simply a part of the process.
For every triumph there are a unique set of adversities we must face to achieve it. Imagine all the things you've overcome and what you had to learn to do so. In the 5th dimension, there is no down time to go through the motions. It all transpires at such a fast rate because everyone has a light body and the vibes are high.... from the power of LOVE.
Having written this allows me to accept my anxiety as necessary, in retrospect and in the present moment. For some time, I've felt like there is something spiritual about anxiety. I grew tired of seeing short articles claiming that people with anxiety have powers. I know I have powers, I use them. I wanted understanding and in this moment I've found just that, through the power of acceptance. I pray you who have read this in its entirety be blessed beyond all measure. I thank you for your time and pray these words serve you well.
For those who feel so moved by this post, please don’t regurgitate my lessons to your following like you’ve been through this. Honor me, my path and my vulnerability. Please reshare, quote/mention me, credit my work or book me for an interview... Or just show your support, cause this is how I show mine. I’m a multidimensional healing artist and as you can see I’m sensitive about everything.